positively the sweetest video on youtube! wouldn't be surprised if anyone mistook this for an episode of days of our lives, where did all the melodrama go! they simply don't do powerrangers the way they used to anymore ))):
Whoever spoke first would lose something, that was the stupid unspoken rule.
The stillness would be a clamor, a capo on a nerve. He'd stare out the window,
she'd put away dishes, anything for some noise. They'd sleep in different rooms.
The trick was to speak as if you hadn't spoken, a comment so incidental
it wouldn't be counted as speech. Or to touch while passing, an accident
of clothing, billowly sleeve against rolled-up cuff. They couldn't stand hating
each other for more than one day. Each knew this, each knew the other's body
would begin to lean, the voice yearn for the familiar confluence of breath and syllable.
When? Who first? It was Yalta, always on some level the future, the next time.
This time there was a cardinal on the bird feeder; one of them was shameless enough to say so, the other pleased
to agree. And their sex was a knot untying itself, a prolonged coming loose.
-
i always fancied poetry that spoke aloud to me about my situation at home, in life. And in this particular case, poetry that suggested, no matter how faintly, that there are silver linings yet in dysfunction.
if only poets wrote about the stresses of manufacturing 3000word essays on the epistemic nature of human rights.
just so you know i don't blog pretentiously all the time
[10 Jun 2008|11:12pm]
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mood
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music
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MMMBop - Hanson
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dee introduced me to the wonders of friendslocking. i guess some entries are not fit for public consumption after all.
anyhow, an uncharacteristically cheery post to extol the virtues of snail mail and postcards!!! in the short span of 3 days i've received TWO postcards (and it's not even christmas/chinesenewyear/birthday), the first from SAMANTHACHEOK, my bestest h1history friend (bai being my OTHER bestest h1history friend, if it's even possible to have two bestest h1history friends hmm) from sunny macau(not really sure if it's all that sunny in macau, but she drew a hugeass sun amongst ahem other hugeass things -winks furiously- so i assume) which is all awww and melt-heart-worthy because who thinks of auyong when they're on holiday! and postage is expensive (?) and by the time i received the postcard samcheok was already sitting in her room playing with her blind dog but it's OKAY. i <3 postcards anyhow. and sam of course deepdeep, but i'm sure she knows that already.
and the second came from JOEL, which i guess was less of a surprise because joel very conspicuously asked me over sms a few days back "auyong, can send me your address, thanks ;)" replete with wry, something-up-his-sleeve emoticon which smacked of disgusting anticlimax. but of course, having said that, joel is still a sweet tausarpau for sending me (and i'm quite sure the 10493235820 other people involved in rmun) a postcard. kind of makes one feel appreciated for having dragged himself out of bed 3 days during the holidays to babysit a room full of rowdy sec4s.
i feel obliged to talk about what's up recently but the truth is nothing's been up. life's frightfully routine - studying, hanging out, sleeping. necessary evil perhaps?
this wall of silence - unfamiliar, alien & antiseptic. a cool cocoon of inactivity; a web of expectation spun from feverish commotion, hustle&bustle, highfives and hellogoodbyes exchanged in slippery starlight on vacation from a million light years ago. don't you see? this love was spontaneous, passionate, fierce, brief, fleeting, never-meant-to-be(?). crash and then
it ends. someone remembered to switch off the lights this time.
i'm waiting for blood to flow to my fingers/i'll be alright when my hands get warm
dramafest, my labour of love. shamelessly autobiographical to a certain degree. my stab at catharsis - "everything will be ok". family, friends, love; everything that could go wrong going wrong. denial, anger, depression, acceptance. oh elusive acceptance.
The first three stages, we move through them naturally. The fourth stage? For those amongst us who have ever experienced real pain, real anguish, you’ll know that acceptance can be so elusive. It’s there, but it’s never within reach, never in sight.
zhiwen coming up to me on judging night, eyes red, tears running like champagne at a wedding reception. "eh, why are you crying?" "because you guys put in so much effort ..." i was comforted; at least somebody out there affirmed my creative endeavours, at least somebody understood the frustrations of seeing it through from page to stage. but i wanted to tell him it was ok, that i felt so blessed to have had the opportunity so share my anguish with so many people. at the end of the day, i did it for myself. all of it.
"let go" was mine.
-
pain. no other word for it but blind searing pain. a pain that wasn't concentrated, but diffused. i remember stopping to catch my breath, winded. if i told myself not to care, not to ask questions, why did i let it affect me? i wanted to tell you i had all these words sitting inside me, like a well-played game of tetris, blocks of words sitting close to each other, blocks of words shivering from a ... love yearning to be concealed. but as you stood in front of me, i tucked the words deep inside.
It’s funny how we say things we don’t mean so often, and we tuck the things we really mean to say deep inside because we feel words are so … meaningless we spend our whole lives waiting for the right time and the right place to say it. I waited, and the chance went right by me.
-
disappointment. a desperation to be recognized, to be praised, to emerge from this system a flawless cookie, cut to perfection, transcript gleaming, testimonial damp from torrential praise. i don't need your words of affirmation, i do it for me; i don't need your ticks of approval, i do it because i want to do it. i don't need it, not at all. it's just that sometimes i find myself yearning
for someone to tell me i've been a good boy.
When she got the diploma, I was at the graduation, at the back. She told me not to go, but I snuck in. I had to see it. I was so proud.
i just needed someone to tell me they were proud to have loved me, to have known me, to have met me.
-
When I clamber to the heights of sleep, Or when I grow excited with wine, Suddenly I meet your face.
behold the highly-irritating, neon-pink llama from the lazy slopes of the himalayas! watch its intense gaze follow your cursor and delight in its acrobatic two-legged hops!
GOGO SUPERLLAMA!
ok reality check. ss video: incomplete. footage: unimportable. deadline: dead.
My love affair with music, bands, good-looking guys armed with acoustic guitars and honeyed vocals, has always been a vicarious one, an avenue of escapism for a boy who never could play the F-chord with much panache. I find it extremely comforting popping the story of the year into my wall-mounted cd player and be able to lose myself in a paradigm where I was the lead guitarist of a power pop/alternative rock band (the Jcube stint doesn't really count :P, besides i was rhythm guitarist). And God gave us the iPod, and that just gave me a reason to be anti-social and headbang my way through an MRT ride home. Bliss, until my iPod got stolen of course. And like daryl, i will not hesitate in surgically removing the culprit's balls with the iPod adapter (which now sits atop my study table, a painful reminder indeed) and proceed to dice his innards with the firewire cable. That's restitution for you.
Am waxing lyrical on the most inane of topics. Which really reminds me of how people like my mother concern themselves with issues which have no bearing at all on their lives. Like a dinner at a restaurant will degenerate into a most in-depth analysis into the illicit relationship which the supposed boss ("because he sits at the cash register" my mother reasons) is sharing with his fresh-faced twentysomething waitress. like god, leave the poor sod alone, eat and get the hell out if you find it so morally objectionable.
played tennis with jingysongy, fahd and turby. Is always nice to have them around, besides it was quite a good workout. :) operation six-pack! 只许成功,不许失败!
-shakes head- i really need a pick-me-up. -plays the differents-
i need retail therapy, badly. auyong thanks iPod fairy in advance :)
dep was constructive, learnt quite alot. i think i might just have found my confidence, i'm beginning to speak more fluently, my cerebral processes are kicked up a notch and i'm making a deliberate effort to sound clearer in my speech. speed has been reduced quite drastically and ladies and gentlemen are slowly becoming less of a problem. i'm optimistic for once, and with more skills-based training sessions i'm pretty sure i'll make something of my lacklustre debating career :D
TRULY ASIA on 28th. Can't wait to get the hell out of this place. EXAMS/CCTs/CTs/Class-based Assignments/Creative Performance Tasks/Graded Assignments and what-not (them cunning syllabus-setting gnomes) are getting on my nerves.
night folks. gut-wrenching but alas, whatever will be, will be.
She's really good, quiet haunting vocals. She has instilled in me new-found faith in Singapore music scene!
DEP today was really constructive, though it just highlights the fragility of my debating. It's on and off, i really need to start working on concrete improvements if I want to get anywhere next year. I am determined and I have really gained a new perspective on many things. I'm happier! More easy-going and all. Not really sure if this is testosterone-induced mood swing but i'm beginning to feel this inexplicable sense of ... maturity.
I guess you could say I'm trying to treasure my existing relationships even more than before. Pity though it takes a major operation on my mother for such a realization to sink in.
Before I go, lyric-whore me shall post nice nice lyrics!
Safe In A Crazy World by Corrinne May
I try to smile my tears away I try to keep my cool Oh but one more door gets in my way I feel like such a fool Trampled and bitter My heart just wants to bleed and stop Believing in me
It feels like nothing is for certain and that nothing comes for free When they're lowering the curtain to the theatre of my dreams I stumble and I crumble and I'm Sinking to my knees but you You cradle me
You keep me flying You keep me smiling You keep me safe in a crazy world You understand me Embrace my fragility You keep me safe in a crazy world And in your arms I find the strength to believe in me again
Noise keeps chasing me No matter where I go Oh and life likes pretending that it's On a TV show When it's hard to tell what's real From what the world just wants to preach You are the voice I seek
You keep me flying You keep me smiling You keep me safe in a crazy world You understand me Embrace my fragility You keep me safe in a crazy world
'cause when I'm wrapped up in your arms Nothing else can touch me What a wonderful way to recharge I feel like I can breathe again
You keep me flying You keep me smiling You keep me safe in a crazy world You understand me Embrace my fragility You keep me safe in a crazy world And in your arms I find the strength to believe in me again
malaysia trip has been postponed officially. proposal/report efforts down the drain, but i really found it an enriching experience. The least I could tell myself is that I tried my best, and I did. And I intend to go all out to secure the best that I deserve in the coming weeks. I wish I knew what will be in store for me, but at this point in time, no sense being so tense :)
That aside, the Malaysian Trip has been postponed indefinitely i.e. most probably cancelled a la mxp+chiangmai 2004. It's quite an emotional dampener, was really looking forward to getting the hell out of the country for even a little while and hanging out with friends and what-not. Pah, bloody shifting cultivators/flora felons, look what you've done @#$%!@#*&%
Exhaustion is overrated. It numbs your mind and you breeze through the day pretty easily, albeit in a most unhelpful, zombie-like trance. I could always do with more rest though, but sickening politics is keeping me on ends. -chews fingernails-
Am suffering from severe withdrawal syndromes. i need like an ipod of sorts SOON!
This lj-cut thing is such a gem (pardon the lj-n00bishness)
Letting go is so cathartic, I feel like I've just lost 20 kg (i know i know fat hope, slim chance) and it's just so liberating. It's the daryl vibe baby, my 2 inch thick stack of homework can traipsy off to a corner, keel over and die. I'm feeling lazy and NOTHING can force me out of my current state of inertia to do the bidding of obnoxious, overdemanding teachers. HA!
I am overworked. I need to sleep more soon. Patriotic feelings aside, National Day shall be catch-up-on-sleep day! After which will be ubertastically-fun trip to the Dark Side. Someone tell me how I am ever going to survive 9-hour bus ride without even the semblance of a portable music player? :(
more after i survive the last of the slew of tests disguised as common class tests/quizzes/assignments. doubleyewteeeff, mate.
The O.C. Season Two on DVD! AUGUST 23RD! :D can't wait whoopee
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