dramafest, my labour of love. shamelessly autobiographical to a certain degree. my stab at catharsis - "everything will be ok". family, friends, love; everything that could go wrong going wrong. denial, anger, depression, acceptance. oh elusive acceptance.
The first three stages, we move through them naturally. The fourth stage? For those amongst us who have ever experienced real pain, real anguish, you’ll know that acceptance can be so elusive. It’s there, but it’s never within reach, never in sight.
zhiwen coming up to me on judging night, eyes red, tears running like champagne at a wedding reception. "eh, why are you crying?" "because you guys put in so much effort ..." i was comforted; at least somebody out there affirmed my creative endeavours, at least somebody understood the frustrations of seeing it through from page to stage. but i wanted to tell him it was ok, that i felt so blessed to have had the opportunity so share my anguish with so many people. at the end of the day, i did it for myself. all of it.
"let go" was mine.
pain. no other word for it but blind searing pain. a pain that wasn't concentrated, but diffused. i remember stopping to catch my breath, winded. if i told myself not to care, not to ask questions, why did i let it affect me? i wanted to tell you i had all these words sitting inside me, like a well-played game of tetris, blocks of words sitting close to each other, blocks of words shivering from a ... love yearning to be concealed. but as you stood in front of me, i tucked the words deep inside.
It’s funny how we say things we don’t mean so often, and we tuck the things we really mean to say deep inside because we feel words are so … meaningless we spend our whole lives waiting for the right time and the right place to say it. I waited, and the chance went right by me.
disappointment. a desperation to be recognized, to be praised, to emerge from this system a flawless cookie, cut to perfection, transcript gleaming, testimonial damp from torrential praise. i don't need your words of affirmation, i do it for me; i don't need your ticks of approval, i do it because i want to do it. i don't need it, not at all. it's just that sometimes i find myself yearning
for someone to tell me i've been a good boy.
When she got the diploma, I was at the graduation, at the back. She told me not to go, but I snuck in. I had to see it. I was so proud.
i just needed someone to tell me they were proud to have loved me, to have known me, to have met me.
When I clamber to the heights of sleep,
Or when I grow excited with wine,
Suddenly I meet your face.
and then i woke up. and for a while, i was happy.